The SEPTIC System

Dear Santa, from Bonnie Dumanis

In District Attorney on December 18, 2009 at 11:01 pm

Thanks to San Diego CityBeat for intercepting and printing Bonnie’s letter to Santa.
http://www.sdcitybeat.com/cms/story/detail/letters_to_santa/8789/
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Dear Santa,

You’re going to think I’m such a hypocrite. Please don’t add me to your naughty list.

The last few months have been one long migraine. The crime lab ruined a couple months’ worth of toxicology results. We had to write up NINE (!) officer-involved-shootings. Then, of course, there was the medical cannabis dispensary fiasco. I can’t sleep, my appetite has flat-lined and I feel like someone nail-gunned me between the shoulder blades.

After the jury returned a not-guilty verdict in the pot shop case (they might as well have punched me in the neck), I called James Pitts into a private meeting. He was the deputy district attorney in my office whom the defense exposed as a pot patient. I asked him, point blank, whether the marijuana worked. We opened the window and—well, you have NO idea.

It’s like riding buck-naked and bareback on a breeze.

I took home an ounce from our evidence locker. The only downside is that I’ve been smoking it out of a primitive little tube I formed out of aluminum foil, which leaves my throat feeling like I knocked back a bottle of lye. I can’t very well walk into a head shop, you know, and buy a bong. I can only ask you, because only you are discreet.

Bonnie Dumanis at her desk, illistratedSanta, please bring me a pipe. It should be crystalline glass, rose-tinted and formed in the shape of a gavel. I want to inhale from the handle end and burn the marijuana in the mallet head. When I set it down, it should look like the smoking hammer of justice. That’s what I want.

And Bob Marley’s Legend.

Yours nicely,

Bonnie Dumanis,
San Diego County District Attorney

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